Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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