Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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