found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Never underestimate the power of titties
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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