This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
