He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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