The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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