just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
