I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize