I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
