plz talk dirty to me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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