I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
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