Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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