Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I deserve to be covered in dicks
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
