Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
