somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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