walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
