I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
