I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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