Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
