Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
