Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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