**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
