And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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