you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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