my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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