It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
