theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
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