Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
