The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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