Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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