Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
