The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
