So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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