the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
