I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize