do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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