Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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