i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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