I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i came on her dog
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
