Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
