she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
