2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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