paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
