well I can't set my house on fire every night
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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