So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
