Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
