I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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