So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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