Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
