3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
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