PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
