i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
