At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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