On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
