If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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