so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
