I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
