You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
