My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
