I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
