How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
