wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
