i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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