I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You have to summon your inner elephant
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
